Which mistakes many of us make at the beginning of a relationship lead to failure in the future?
Let’s make some conditional rating of the main reasons for going to a psychologist, of course. The goal of understanding the relationship with a partner remains the undisputed favorite from year to year. Quarrels, problems, partings, adultery – no one is safe from the rough storms of coexistence. Every woman has her own story – often more than one. Interestingly, when causal relationships are determined, many wrong steps turn out to be very similar.
Well, you have met a wonderful man – the hormones are dancing a jig, emotions are overflowing, butterflies in the stomach, and the list of sensations goes on. Then, the first pebble in the shoe appears. Undoubtedly, it will remind of itself.
Mistake #1 – You’re adjusting
In this case, a woman chooses the following strategy for herself: she tries to study in detail all the advantages of her new man and his interests. She comes up with an idea of how to attract and show him that she is an ideal woman.
From the first date, she forgot about the main thing – to be herself and choose the right person. Relationships are a union of people brought together by common goals and values. Therefore, even betraying ourselves a little at the very beginning, we leave no room for getting to know each other and understanding whether it is worth going on together. Few people can pretend endlessly.
A wagon of past experiences
Only the lazy ones never wrote about this. What should you do if this is really so? The golden rule of success is “do not start a relationship if you have not terminated the previous one”. Terminating it refers to the process that takes place within your soul. This means leaving behind grievances, claims, and other experiences connected with another person.
Relations with a new person are formed based on mutual interest and affection. There should be no attempt to kill the pain, to distract or annoy an ex-partner.
Such “internal incompleteness” (unclosed gestalt) leads to the fact that you communicate with one person. Still, in fact, someone else is invisibly present in front of you, with whom you act out the relationship in your thoughts and experiences.
This happens when the past does not remain where it should be, but for some reason disturbs the present from time to time. The symptoms are simple, and for a man, they are direct signals to flee:
You compare the current boyfriend with the previous one, starting from the first meeting, to the smallest details, like how he holds cutlery. In the worst version possible, you also voice your observations.
You are full of resentment and claims to the ex-partner, but you do not hesitate to talk about them to someone nearby.
You are sad about how perfect your ex-partner was and are constantly trying to “upgrade” your new man to the level of your lost love.
Another mistake is trying to format him
In contrast to the first scenario, some young ladies are distinguished by an increased craving for playing Pygmalion. From the first meetings on, they literally begin to improve the man who has not even had time to reveal himself and show his best features.
What do we do first? We explore each other, study, and test to understand whether we want to continue communicating. This is a normal and natural process, but not for everyone. The topic of all-reviving femininity and the concept of growing millionaires from alcoholics is actively discussed these days. They say everything depends on the woman, and she can transform a man in every possible way.
One can’t deny that a woman can inspire and de-energize her man. However, some have a very basic understanding of the idea “to reshape a man”. Later, they are surprised to see the difference between the actual and the envisioned results.
She did everything for him: she gave him the right books, bought clothes, tried to take him to train, and instilled manners. This happens people with low self-esteem, or an appropriate relationship script are capable of enduring such disgrace. Therefore, it often turns out in a relationship that instead of a strong man, there is an infantile person nearby who cannot make decisions.
The passion for total control, calls and SMS attacks, explanation of each step, and clarification of thoughts and circumstances of life every two minutes can be attributed to the same category. Is there an adult and mature person who will like the rules dictated to them right away? This happens even when he has not understood if he likes you or not.
To some extent, extreme care is an attempt to control the situation and set limits for a person. It is not worth trying to immediately “become a mom” to a new lover after a second date. Having noticed such manifestations in your behavior, you’d better visit a good psychologist and understand why you should dominate in a relationship and what prevents you from being just a happy woman. Not a mommy, a Pygmalion, or some other character that is incompatible with normal relationships.
Being silent about your needs and ignoring him
Sincerity and openness are generally important things throughout the couple’s journey together. Therefore, it is great to use them from the very beginning. This does not mean that you need to tell in detail about all your problems, anxieties, and difficult twists of fate from the very first date.
By the way, this is another mistake when all the baggage of your difficulties (from a current situation to childhood injuries) falls on the head of an unfortunate man at once. Doing so will send the “save me” signal and create a ground for doubting what exactly you need – a loved one or a universal remedy for solving problems. The man will understand that he can receive nothing in return.
Heart-rending stories about how your wedding will be decorated and what phone model you want to get from him on Valentine’s Day are similar in content. They mean that your intentions are serious and the road to marriage has already been paved. Most likely, after such statements, the relationship will end before it even starts.
However, talking about your feelings is very helpful, as is being attentive to what the other person is thinking and feeling. If your new acquaintance parked in a puddle, didn’t hold the door like a gentleman, or pick his teeth with a fork – it’s better to report these things calmly and without pretensions, if you find them unpleasant. It is easy for mature and self-confident people to agree, find a compromise and make sure they are comfortable together. As you know, dialogue promotes mutual understanding.
Do not be afraid to be true to yourself, to be real, unique, beautiful, and versatile. The person who suits you will definitely enter your life. Not only will he come, but he will also join you in walking the happy path of your life.