Unhealthy Relationship Scripts and Toxic Roles

When building relationships with a partner, we often act within the framework of certain “scripts” that may take quite predictable forms of development, though not always positive ones.

The “scripts” are created based on the “life plan”, which is shaped by the impressions received in childhood. To change this plan is complicated. From early childhood, parents use their words and deeds to exemplify how they think we should live our life. For example, most of us have been taught the value of education and the importance of family since we were young.

However, it is essential to understand that some “scripts” are not as harmless as they might seem at first glance. They can become an obstacle to personal and social development (i.e. relationships with other people). Sometimes, people unaware of their “scripts” can attribute their love failures to mysticism or magical curses. After all, it is much easier to refer to celibacy than to understand the psychological reasons why it is not possible to create harmonious relationships.

Yet, if desired, the problem can be solved because the “script” is more plastic than the “life plan.” To begin with, let’s set the task this way: we need to determine which “scenarios” are harmful to a happy relationship.

Scripts popular among women

“An artificial woman”

This “script” is very feminine but can lead to sad consequences. Thus, we have a woman who is so concerned about her appearance that she forgets about the spiritual component. She neglects her own spirituality and the one that should be present in a relationship.

The reason is simple: as a child, she was absolutely loved for her beauty or for her beautiful new shoes. The child has learned that she deserves admiration and will be loved if her appearance is attractive. If the “shell” loses its good gloss, the world stops paying attention to you, and all life goes downhill.

Increased attention to appearance can bring a lot of dividends. Still, there is a downside – inconsistency with the idea of a “beauty queen” quickly leads to extreme and excruciating depression.

There can be many objective reasons for deviating from the ideal in real life: a mild illness or a severe injury, the first wrinkles, or, for example, severe signs of natural aging. What are these women doing? They begin to abuse cosmetics and plastic surgery, which – like all abuses – leads to sad results.

What is the right thing to do? Change life attitudes! A healthy lifestyle in all forms is useful, but you should not be emphatically “younger”. Should you control others with the help of beauty? After all, men don’t only want to communicate with the outer shell (if they are interested in a relationship rather than a one-night stand).

In fact, men with serious intentions value a woman’s personality much more than is commonly believed. Therefore, it is enough for a woman to let go of her emotions, show her smile and accept her living image, not the glamorous artificial impression. Life will immediately become calmer. At the same time, everything will change for the better in her relations with men.

“A demonic woman”

In other words, she is an aggressor in a skirt who uses all her cunning intrigues out of the blue and manipulates other people unnecessarily. Unfortunately, this “scenario” of behavior is quite common.

Some girls heard it from their mothers or grandmothers: “Do not trust men and do not confide in them”, because “there are enemies around”, but “you are a special one”. Accordingly, a lady who has absorbed such attitudes begins to seriously consider it impossible to speak openly about her feelings and desires. Instead, you need to circle and disguise yourself in order to get what you want through manipulation and trickery.

Such girls can quarrel with relatives or classmates as early as in childhood to achieve their goals (even if the benefit is small, and the direct path to the desired result is clearly simpler and easier).

Of course, eventually, such women begin to lose. After all, these ladies are actually not as cunning and intelligent as they want to seem. As you know, “a real master does not use his skills unnecessarily” – this also applies to a real lady’s bitchiness skill.

Every such woman can face a true virtuoso. A row of home-field losses makes the “demonic woman” depressed. She gets nervous, loses her grip, loses again and again, and the depression gets more profound.

What should such a “vamp woman” do? Stop making life more complicated, stop playing drama queen, and remember that she is just a woman (this means a lot). Then she has a chance to see that the people around her are actually much more interesting, complex and deeper than she thought before. They are not at all dolls for playing with. They are potential friends or partners, communication with whom can bring sincere joy.

“A poor little thing”

In fact, this is another active manipulator, though with a different set of tools. She is an infantile girl who must always be saved, warmed up, and reassured. Indeed, many people want to help and pamper the “poor little thing”. However, these are not beautiful princes. These older men have one serious drawback: they will definitely swap their princess for another one – even younger and, perhaps, more beautiful.

This “script”, like many others, is rooted in childhood. Raising their beloved daughter, parents used to say that a sensitive little girl could get everything – from candies to love and protection.

In adulthood, emphasizing infantilism as a manipulation tool is terrible – too many people actively use it. It is too tiring for a man to be a savior over and over again, even in the simplest everyday situations.
What should the “poor little thing” do? Grow up – quickly and decisively. This lady was a “charming little girl”, but now she has grown out of this role. It’s time for her to become independent as quickly as possible.

Among men

“An eternal prince”

A man with such a “script” will forever sort out women, and each of them will not be good enough. He considers himself so perfect that he can’t find a “worthy woman”. His inflated self-esteem leads to unrealistically high demands for a life partner.

As a child, he was raised as a future prince who deserves only the best girl in the world. Of course, he will never find such a princess in adulthood, changing partners repeatedly and hoping that the next one will suit him.

The older the “overgrown prince” becomes, the higher his demands and the less likely he is to start a family.

What’s to be done? To understand that ideal people do not exist (even he has at least one minor flaw if you think carefully about it). In the end, we really fall in love not with mythical goddesses and fairy-tale princes but with living people who have pretty earthly features and scratches left my life. An awareness of this fact helps to move away from the script of the “eternal prince” and find your happiness.

“A sultan”

As befits such a character, he lives with a harem, developing parallel relationships with different women. He allegedly loves and pleases all of them. He may get married, but he is unlikely to have strong feelings. Even in marriage, such a man will retain the habits of the “sultan” and numerous extramarital relationships.

If a man is used to “getting the most of life”, he will be ready to sacrifice the concept of fidelity without raising an eyebrow. Sometimes women even like the harem format of a relationship. For example, if the “sultan” is rich enough to make beautiful gifts or even support his first lady.

And yet, such a “script” is dangerous – first of all, for the “sultan” himself. The man’s resources are limited. Sooner or later, he will not be able to give love to a large number of women, at least for purely biological reasons. Then, the harem will scatter, and the aged “lion” will be left alone. Perhaps he can “afford” a woman, but this will not be exactly what a strong man needs.

What should he do? Take the risk of choosing one lady and radically move from quantitative to qualitative relationships. No one says it will be easy, but there is no other way. Building monogamous relationships daily, bringing love and care into his family, such a man can change his “script”.

What do we end up with?

Everyone has “life scripts”, but if they interfere with relationships, they can and should be changed. Most importantly, be honest and objective with yourself. If your partners have changed and the problems have remained the same, you are likely following a certain “script”. You can try to recognize your own attitudes that prevent you from building harmonious relationships. If it is too difficult to reach the core of the problem, you should contact a psychologist.

The next step is probably the most difficult one. Try to clearly articulate what you want from life, relationships, your “soul mate”, and your family. This understanding should be detailed since general words will not work here. After all, you can define a new “script” for yourself based on these answers. However, this script will no longer be imposed by someone else. It will be alive and realistic rather than malicious.

Once you realize what you really want to strive for, your “path to yourself” will begin. It may not be fast, but the fruit is worth all the effort. The principles of successive change are simple: “if you sow an act – you reap a habit; if you sow a habit – you reap a character; if you sow a character – you will reap a destiny.” Start with new habits, with new behaviors, with new roles that will allow you to change yourself and change the reality around you, creating happiness for yourself and your loved ones.

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