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Why Couples Conflict about Sex

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Couple Making SexHave you ever wondered, why couples argue about sex so often? He wants sex every day, while she wants it twice a week. He falls asleep right after sex, while she would prefer some caressing after sex. A good sex life is an important part of every relationship. So why are there so many conflicts between men and women about it, if they both need sex? The answer to this is the difference between the sexual appetites of women and men. At particular periods of life women want more sex, than men, and vice versa. And this was programmed by Nature a long time ago. Let us see this difference in detail.

The Libido of Men and Women Changes

The following graph shows, how the libido of average men and women changes in the course of their lifetime. It is drawn just to demonstrate the difference of the sexual drive of males and females. It surely does not mean, that this is the only norm and there are no exceptions. Every person is unique. Though this graph simplifies the real situation so much, it explains a lot.

Libido of Men and Women

Male and Female libido

An average man has the highest sex drive, when he is 15 to 20 years old and then his sexual appetite declines. An average woman achieves her libido peak at the age of 35 to 40. Thus, the libido of both men and women vary with time. But a man and a woman of the same age having the same sexual appetite is not a frequent case. The following situations are surely familiar to you. A forty years old woman dates a teenager, because her husband does not want sex as often as she does and this boy can and wants it exactly so often. At the same time a man of this woman’s age finds a perfect sexual partner in a twenty years old girl. Both couples achieve harmony in their sexual life. But how is it possible, if they are so different? If you look at the graph, you can see, that the sexual desire of a young woman is similar to that of a forty years old man. But when this woman gets older, her sexual appetite will grow and she will prefer a younger partner, as the libido of a teenage guy would normally be the same as hers.

Duration of the Sexual Act

Another battleground is the duration of the sexual act. An average man is like a gas fryer, and an average woman can be compared to an electric fryer. It takes only a few moments for a gas fryer to become hot, but then it can be turned off and cool quickly as well, when the food is ready. An electric fryer gets warm slowly till it is hot and after this it needs much time to cool. This is why women often need more time than men to get ready for sex.

Knowing the nuances of the libido of men and women is one of the most important steps to achieve harmony with your sexual partner. Please, be more patient with your partner and attend to each other’s needs.

76 COMMENTS

  1. Hi I am wondering if my boyfriend’s libido will increase or decrease as he gets older. I am 24 and he is 23. I would like to have sex often, at least 4,5,6 times a week. He seems satisfied with once a week. My libido has been very high, sex has not been a priority to him. Although I am satisfied I would like his libido to be on par with mine. Have you any advice?

  2. I am 36, my fiance is 31. We argue about sex every single day. He wants sex every day. I want sex whenever it happens. I would like for it to be spontaneous instead of feeling like it’s my “duty.” I ask him where’s the romance? I say if sex happens, it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t. I understand it’s an important part of an intimate and commited relationship. However, I don’t feel special to him. I feel like a piece of meat. I feel like I’m not allowed to be tired. I’m not allowed to be on my period. Because all I get are comments. .. ie: well, guess I won’t get any now! -or- figures! You got your way again. I’m sick of it!! He has a lot of traits that I love and I do think he is sexy. However, I’m a stay-at-home for now and am busy all the time!! So at the end of a long day, when I feel those sheets lay against my skin, sometimes, I’d just like to go to sleep…..but sleeping isn’t allowed until I’ve done my “duty.” He’ll say well, you can stay up late on facebook and talk to old high school friends, but you can’t stay up late to have sex with me. Sex, sex, sex…. I’m sick of it! It’s causes our relationship to be out of control. We argue about it so much that I’m getting to where I could care less about sex. How in the world do I make him understand where I’m coming from? I mean, what does he want me to do? Fake it?? I tell him….when we do have sex, it’s out of this world, and it always is! So, why isn’t that good enough? No matter how often it happens. I could understand his frustration if we “never” had sex… but 4 times out of 6 days isn’t even good enough for him. And on some of those nights we have sex 3 times in a row….so I guess I just don’t understand why he’s making such a big deal about it! Not to mention, he acts like a child and pouts when he doesn’t get it which is a huge turn-off for me! I don’t know what to do……………

  3. D, I’m so sorry and I understand you very good. I have the same problem with my bf.
    I have one small secret how to avoid all that problems.

  4. i am 22 and my husband is 29 sex is great 4 him, while i want to have sex 4 to 5 times a day, is there something wrong with me??????????????

  5. Hi Liz – I don’t think anything is necessarily wrong…. at least I hope not as I am facing a similar thing. I am 23 and want sex ALL THE TIME but my man (who is 26) is fine with an average of once every couple of weeks….This (of course) is not sufficient for me. I always ask if he is doing himself in between because I don’t understand how that amount is sufficient to him and he doesn’t – he just says that he isn’t as sexual. That drives me crazy because the moment SEX comes into my mind I can’t think or sleep….. We used to fight about this all the time until he bought me a viberator and some lube – he said he doesn’t want to fight but understands what I need (and this has really helped)…..They say that a woman’s sexual peak is 35 – 40 so I really wonder what the next 12 – 15 years will be like :)

  6. Sorry – one last thing that I should have added. I don’t really have any advice (except the viberator – that is gooooooodddd advice) but I can say that from my research this miss-match is normal. It totally sucks…. but I find some comfort in know that it isn’t me and it isn’t just my man. We are all sexy and should feel that way. I have probably had enough fights on this for all us “deprived” ladies out there but hopefully you have a man that can meet you half way and if not – get some batteries and a toy :)

  7. I have a problem, I am 22 and my husband is 29. Most of the time I have to either make him feel bad, complain, or practicaly beg him to have sex. It’s even so bad that sometimes I pick a fight just to make up, but where this problem gets tricky is the other day I found some porn that he downloaded on the computer and he got very defensive about it when I asked him. We have great sex and I am not one of those women that are closed minded. I have taught him things he never knew so I know it’s not because I’m not doing things that he was to do but I still don’t understand why. Someone please give me some advice.

  8. me and my girlfriend have been toghetehr for 7 years. we have had a nice sexual relationship for a while but the last year is no good . she doenst want or desire oral sex at all. and unitll i dont iniciate the touch she never strats toget into it. meaning i always have to be the initiator. also now i am afraid to get close or start warming up bacuse i would get dissapointed.
    i like sex and i am very active , i am 50 yeras old and she is 29. please try to explain her behaviour.

  9. I am 25 years old and my boyfriend is 40. He only wants to have sex 2x per week, but i am at a stage in life where i want more!!! He says he does feel desire to be with me and I know he can get it hard… but nothing. he says its him and if we do it often he feels pain when he has an orgasm, what can we do? is it normal for a man his age to only be interested in sex 2x a week? And it was only about a year ago he wanted it everyday, is it normal for change to occur so suddenly???

  10. I’m 28 (almost 29) and my younger boyfriend of the ripe age of 24 have different sex drives. You would think he would be the ambitious one but surprisingly its me. He is up at 4:30 am and ready for bed by 9:30 pm. I understand he is tired and has a full schedule but as a woman I have needs too. He is content with sex on the weekends and even then its only once a day if that. He asked me why I want it all the time and I asked why he didn’t. We used to have sex all the time. He used to not be able to keep his hands off of me and out weekends consisted of naked movies and lots of showers. Now I’m lucky if I get a nice comment from him. I feel like although we communicate about everything else wonderfully we are not on the same page sexually. Are we coming to an end?

  11. The graph is wrong. Just go to the Kinsey Institute’s website. Men desire sex more than women at every stage of life. We masturbate more, think about sex more, desire kinky sex more, etc. Sexual orientation doesn’t change a thing: gay men have more sex than lesbians. Men are just more sexual. As a straight guy, I don’t this one bit, but it’s a fact. Strangely, many women don’t like admitting this. They say things like “I LOVE sex, I want it just as much as my boyfriend.” Then they go home and don’t have sex with their boyfriends. I’m not sure I believe the “I had this one girlfriend who wanted it all the time” stories. Maybe I’ve just been unlucky. I’ve dated a couple of girls who at the beginning of the relationship wanted almost as much sex as I did, but most of the girls I’ve been with have wanted FAR less.

  12. Hi Tom, unfortunately you may have just been unlucky with girls you’ve dated. Currently I’m the one in the relationship craving sex more. When we have it, it’s amazing but 2-3 times a week isn’t enough for me. For any men out there with a lower sex drive, have you ever stayed with a partner with a higher one? I don’t know how to make it work.

  13. hi i m april 42 and my wife is feb 42, married for 15years ,but i never had relaxed sex she never allows me to have foreplay b4 actual game ,she always says (go directly as i m not in mood to prolong)..BUT problem for last few months is that she do not want to have sex at all …i cant force her as she starts shouting at midnight ,,,SHE DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX ANY MORE. ,,,CAN some1 guide how to tackle it as i need sex all the times,,if not all the times atleast twice a week…

  14. I’ve thoroughly read everything in here, reading through everyone’s personal thoughts and different opinions on here; even some personal stories on the matter.

    With that being said I have a question of my own: Why won’t my boyfriend take the time to give me what /I/ need?

    Now, before women start trash-talking men and men start telling me [women] to lay off, let me elaborate.

    My boyfriend and I of nearly seven years have been faithfully devoted to each other for all this time. Like usual couples, we’ve had our ups and downs, sometimes one more than the other. To throw into the mix, a year into dating I became pregnant and we have a beautiful five-year-old together. Getting to our sex lives, everything was about equality, as it should be. It was always, “I’m happy to make you happy, that is my only concern.” Sex became less frequent during the later parts of my pregnancy six years ago due to discomfort and healing factors afterward, but then everything went back to normal.

    But over the years the sex has been a bit “wonky.” We’ve shamelessly opened new doors to new fetishes and desires that we both agree on, and others we don’t particularly, but we act upon them for the sake of our “other half.” Lately, it’s been more of a chore to keep me satisfied.

    Understandably, women have different libidos than men and can be a bit more difficult to /truly/ satisfy. I can understand the frustration men must feel and even perhaps a lessening of confidence in the matter, but please don’t take that the wrong way. It’s just as difficult for us to NOT be, quote-on-quote as easily pleased.

    So, back to my question. My boyfriend will expect me to tend to his needs, especially “on-the-go” [i.e.: before going out, before work, etc]. Oral, or four play, such as hand-jobs, etc. Sure. I love you and I will be more than happy to accommodate you. Now although we may act like we expect nothing in return, really, that’s a farce and everyone guiltily knows it. We /WANT/ the same type of pleasure and attention given back in return, whether it be a few hours from then, later that night or the following day. But like any other human being, we cannot wait forever before beginning to question ourselves.

    Upon giving him such satisfaction, getting him to “go down south” or any hand-play is like yanking teeth. I won’t say that he does NO foreplay or oral at all because that’s untrue, but it’s small ministrations before jumping readily or not readily into sex. Am I satisfied during intercourse? Yes, but am I asking for more than that? Absolutely.

    Am I wrong for wanting oral or foreplay without having to please my boyfriend immediately after or during like I do for him?

    But I get the “IOU, love,” a chaste kiss to the head, and then it could be several days to more than a week before I get any flirtatious ministrations. This puts a HUGE dip in my self-esteem as it would any other woman or man, so I’m constantly left wondering, “Am I not doing something right? Am I gross down there? /What’s wrong with me?/”

    I feel almost that perhaps it’s just too “troublesome” to take time in making sure I’m satisfied outside of intercourse because it can take us females a bit longer to get fired up. But this mostly true fact shouldn’t make me look down upon myself and wonder why am I being neglected?

    If anyone, male or female, has thoughts or opinions they’d like to share, I would very much appreciate it.

  15. I am 32 and my fiancé is 29. I need sex much more than her. I have been very unhappy with her whenever I need sex before going to bed while she is very comfortable sleeping without sex. I make all the advances before we can ever have good sex. She enjoys it but hardly advance on me. I don’t know if she is going to improve since she approaches 35.

  16. Im a 35 year old male who since I was in high school has had the same sexual appetite, wanting as much sex as my partner can handle. My current fiance is 26 years old and seems to be fine with having sex once a week if that at times. There is times where she gives in and we have sex 4 days in a row then nothing for the rest of the month almost. I have never been with a woman like her and it causes arguments a lot in our relationship. Not to mention she regurlary has excuses why she doesnt want to have sex or even do anything at all. Knowing that most men, the brain and what we see or hear stimulates us it kills me that she tells me regurlary that she isnt in the mood or that she cant even give me a blow job let a lone a hand job and just out right tells me NO she isnt doing it. Im not the kind of man that cheats on my females which is a good thing cause I feel that if I were Id have done so long ago and continued to satisfy my secual appetite. I have a problem knowing that this is the woman I will marry and sex isnt a big part of our relationship in a positive way. Im lost and confused and unsure what to do. Our sex mainly consists of me pleasing her and me doing most of the work. She may get on top once a month if that and the fact that she isnt very proactive kills my mental state a lot in our sex life. Ive told her about this and she has said she will try to do better and has a bit but I guess I feel if Im the man she loves and wants to marry then why is it so hard to do simple things to please her man?

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