Have you ever wondered, why couples argue about sex so often? He wants sex every day, while she wants it twice a week. He falls asleep right after sex, while she would prefer some caressing after sex. A good sex life is an important part of every relationship. So why are there so many conflicts between men and women about it, if they both need sex? The answer to this is the difference between the sexual appetites of women and men. At particular periods of life women want more sex, than men, and vice versa. And this was programmed by Nature a long time ago. Let us see this difference in detail.
The Libido of Men and Women Changes
The following graph shows, how the libido of average men and women changes in the course of their lifetime. It is drawn just to demonstrate the difference of the sexual drive of males and females. It surely does not mean, that this is the only norm and there are no exceptions. Every person is unique. Though this graph simplifies the real situation so much, it explains a lot.
Male and Female libido
An average man has the highest sex drive, when he is 15 to 20 years old and then his sexual appetite declines. An average woman achieves her libido peak at the age of 35 to 40. Thus, the libido of both men and women vary with time. But a man and a woman of the same age having the same sexual appetite is not a frequent case. The following situations are surely familiar to you. A forty years old woman dates a teenager, because her husband does not want sex as often as she does and this boy can and wants it exactly so often. At the same time a man of this woman’s age finds a perfect sexual partner in a twenty years old girl. Both couples achieve harmony in their sexual life. But how is it possible, if they are so different? If you look at the graph, you can see, that the sexual desire of a young woman is similar to that of a forty years old man. But when this woman gets older, her sexual appetite will grow and she will prefer a younger partner, as the libido of a teenage guy would normally be the same as hers.
Duration of the Sexual Act
Another battleground is the duration of the sexual act. An average man is like a gas fryer, and an average woman can be compared to an electric fryer. It takes only a few moments for a gas fryer to become hot, but then it can be turned off and cool quickly as well, when the food is ready. An electric fryer gets warm slowly till it is hot and after this it needs much time to cool. This is why women often need more time than men to get ready for sex.
Knowing the nuances of the libido of men and women is one of the most important steps to achieve harmony with your sexual partner. Please, be more patient with your partner and attend to each other’s needs.
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:18 am
Hey,
My current girlfriend in college wants to have sex like 6 times a day and we’re both currently 21; so I was wondering if her sexual appetite is going to increase in the next few years how am I keep up with her?
February 4th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
hmmmm You cant. You better get some drugs to keep up and pray it will slow down a little. She will get it no matter what.
February 11th, 2008 at 9:15 am
John,
lots of men would probably say, you’re very lucky with your girldfriend’s sexual appetite. The graph in the article shows, how sexual desire of average men and women changes with the age, but, of course, it doesn’t mean, that your girlfriend’s libido is going to increase in the next years. Your girlfriend is unique and her sexual appetite is not like that of most women of her age. Just enjoy it and your relationships and don’t worry.
February 25th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old and although he sometimes hides the fact that he wants to have sex more than he lets on because he knows that I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel very guilty for not wanting to as much as he does, which I know I shouldn’t because I mostly just don’t feel like it. He sometimes claims that there is something wrong with me because I hardly ever am “in the mood” so I don’t know if this is normal or not that I only am in the mood 2-3 a week. Is there something wrong with me? and will this pattern ever change?
February 26th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Molly, it’s a fact, that lots of pairs suffer from different sexual appetites of his and hers. It’s very important to talk about this difference with your partner. Your boyfriend is now exactly at his libido peak (20 years old), he might want sex several times a day. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting sex as much as he does, because an average woman reaches her libido peak later, at the age of 35-45 and it was programmed by mother nature long ago. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, if you’re in the mood 2-3 times a week. This is even more often, than an average woman of your age is.
As already said, talk to him. Explain to him, that you’re not in the mood as often as he is not because you don’t love him or don’t find him sexually attractive. Roughly speaking, your body and your mind decide, how much sex they need to “function” correctly. By the way, as it was said in the article, it takes only a few moments for a man to get turned on (like a gas fryer), while a woman needs a lot more time (electric fryer). Just an example: only one look at you in a miniskirt might turn him on, while you don’t even think about sex.
It’s very important to mention, that some women don’t want sex until they get some extra stimulation from their partner, which can arouse a strong sexual desire. It’s also necessary to spend on this stimulation as much time as the woman needs. He should just know, how to do it, and here only you can help him. You say, he sometimes claims that there is something wrong with you. Tell him, what you like, what would turn you on at the moment, when he wants to have sex, and what he should do instead of saying there’s something wrong with you. You need his support, but not criticism for something you’re not guilty of. I wish you and your partner full harmony in relationships.
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
how many times sex/week would be average for men at 40 years old?
March 7th, 2008 at 3:03 am
about 7 times or more a week is fine for 40s
March 19th, 2008 at 9:18 am
The Asian female is absolutly fooled by thinking a Western tall man is going to give her more sexual satisfaction and more love security that a short Western man. It is typical of the Asian thinking the way thay look at television and Model advertizements. They are under the misconseption that tall Western men are the answer to theyer parayers. Short Western men are much more loveable and true to theyer women than tall men are. They appreciate the women more and will treat them better. they have bigger dicks and are better lovers and will satisfy the women more. The taller men have smaller thin little dicks and are not what is portraid in the magozines or movies. I am a 5 ft 6 in westerner and have never had a problem with sastisfying a women Weather she be Western or Eastern. I love Asian girls and am sad to see some of the most beautiful Asian girls with some of the most ugliest Western tall men I have ever seen. That is justy unforgivable to see the beautiful Asian girls sell themseves short
April 6th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
My boyfriend is 48 and I’m 43, and my sexual appetite is as high as its ever been! How do I get him to understand, with out him thinking I’m some “sex crazed” woman. (I mentioned to him I handn’t had sex since my Ex. but that doesn’t seem to get him to stop thinking of me as a Nympho.) Any suggestions on what to tell him? Also how many times should a man his age be able to perform per week and per night? I can do it often, but he seems to think 1x per week and once per night is all he can do…. Can you shed some light on what can help increase his libido (w/out drugs)? BTW he works out but is very tall, so not sure if that has an effect on his libido? Any comments/advice is appreciated.
April 6th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Ps.) Also what’s normal for a man his age? How many times per night and week should he want to have sex? I just don’t want to seem like I’m asking for too much….
April 6th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Also what is normal for a man who is 48-50yrs. old? How man times is normal for him to want sex per day and week ? I just don’t want to seem like I’m being irrational or not very understanding….
April 7th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
TFC,
You and your boyfriend have one of the most widespread problems of all couples – difference in libido. And this is normal. You ask, what to tell him, so that he doesn’t think you’re a Nympho. You could show him this article, the graph and explain, that what is happening with you is a norm. Let him recall his libido when he was 20, how often he wanted sex – just remind him, how he was and what he felt and compare with how you are now. He should understand, that everything is ok with you, because it used to be the same with him. Do this to avoid conflicts, explain to him, why this difference exists. Already the fact that you wrote the comment here means you care for him and your relationships and want you both happy, I don’t think, he would think you “sex crazed”, if you try to get him to understand it this way.
As for your question about how often a man of his age should want sex, it’s very difficult to say. This is such an individual thing (I can say the same to Susan’s question). If there’s ever been conducted a study on the topic, unfortunately, I don’t have information about it. The only thing is clear – in most cases men’s sexual desire decreases with time and is not so high at the age of 48-50 and it is on average not so strong as your libido now. He is absolutely healthy with once per week and once per night. Pathology is when he doesn’t want sex at all – in this case the man would need some medical advice.
Regarding his physical activity, I don’t think, his workouts could affect his libido a lot. Maybe, of course, he spends much force there, comes back home tired and needs nothing, but rest, but don’t think, that sport “steals” your sex. It’s very likely, that his libido would the same without workouts. Once a week is just his individual norm.
I could suggest some things, which would probably help to increase his libido without drugs like viagra. Don’t expect extreme changes, but it can work. Maybe you’ve heard, that what the man eats and drinks influences his libido. If you live together, you can easily prepare foods that refer to erotic cuisine. Examples are sea foods, farinaceous foods, milk foods. Use aromatic spices in different dishes, like oregano or basil. Lots of foods and drinks work as aphrodisiacs – just learn about them, search for some recipes. If you want, you can read more about erotic cuisine here: http://geniuscook.com/erotic-cookery/
What I’d also like to add is be understanding. If you want sex and he doesn’t, don’t be very insistent. Caress and care are the best you can do to motivate him.
April 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I’am 26 years old and my sex drive is sky high i wish i could do it 3 times a day yet my partner is 21 and she’s never in the mood, if up to her she would have sex 4 times a month. what should i do?
April 15th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Nash,
Your sex drive is higher than that of your girlfriend, and that’s normal in your age and hers. You are asking, what to do in this situation. The most important thing is to talk about the problem. First of all, you both should agree, that this is a problem and nobody is to blame for its existence, it’s just Nature. Then discuss the ways of solving it. Be sincere. Before discussing the problem let her know, that you care about her and that no matter what’s the reason, you are not going to condemn her for anything, like not being interested in you, being frigid, never being in the mood and so on. She should know, she could tell you everything.
So, what could be the reason of her not wanting sex? Maybe there are things, which she can’t tell you, but which stop her. For instance, before sex she would like to take a shower first, freshen herself up, but doesn’t want to tell you about it. Or she might be too shy to have sex at daytime for some reasons. She might also not enjoy sex as much as she could to want it as often as you do. Women can be very much focused on one problem and be too shy or afraid not to be understood by their partner to speak about it. Most women can’t have sex, when they are stressed or have a problem, it just doesn’t let us relax, as opposed to men, whom sex helps manage stress.
All these words about your partner are just assumptions. If you create a confidential atmosphere, you will be able to get to know, what’s wrong and how to solve the problem of different sexual appetites. How do you let her know, that you want sex? Are doing this correct? Is the way you do this the best one to turn her on, too? Find out, what she likes and what turns her on most, too. This will be very useful.
Make sure, that you know your partner, talk to her, let her share her feelings, pay more attention to her and, I am sure, she will appreciate it and reward you for it… maybe, with a great sex.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Sorry, this sounds like formulaic nonsense. What twenty yr old woman finds a perfect partner in a forty yr old man?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Kitty, I’m afraid, you don’t know life enough, if this is nonsense for you. There are many such couples, I even know examples personally. And what is perfect in such relashionships is that the sexual appetite of him and her is the same. I’m not speaking about other aspects of the life of such couples.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
different people have different sex drives, if you want her to be more in the mood, you have to tease her and tease her and tease her get it, I only just realised this after splitting up with my gf. Don’t make the same mistake, if she feels guilty and will give it to you just for you then it will make her feel uncomfortable and she will get fed up and leave. So understand before she goes and wish me luck getting my ex back.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I am a 35 yo man. My wife is 39 going on 40. We have been married for five years. My sex drive is much higher than her. According to the graph she should be in her sexual peak and I should be on a down slope. I our case it’s it’s quite the oppersite. She’s never in the mood. We’ve had talks and sometimes arguments about the the lack of sex. I can remember not so long ago we went a whole month without touching one another. She’s good with 1 a week (maybe). We don’t have small children, She decided to put her career on hold and go back to school full time. So she has more than enough time on her hands. But as we talk and she assures me things will get better, those are purely words with no action to follow. I’m starting to think she’s having an affair. Here’s the funniest thing of all. After sex she goes to right to sleep, while i’m still very much wide awake with a rock hard, hard on very feeling dissatisfied. Masturbation and porno is starting to get veeeerrrrrryyyyy boring. What can I do to boost her libido? (If that’s the case) I take care of the kids, and do most of the cooking and cleaning so when she comes home all she has to do is homework (3 to 4 hours) and that’s it. I took on the extra responsibilities to see if my sex drive would fall like hers. Answer to that is NO. I work a full time job come home cook and clean and make sure the kids homework and studying are done. Plus she gets home before me. Can you instruct me on how to get her more in the mood and less defensive?
May 28th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Wolf, that’s right, your wife should be in her sexual peak, but the graph shows the libido of average men and women of the age. There are always exceptions in reality. And your wife is this exception, and this is not her fault. I can say, I really respect you for all the things you do (taking care of the kids, preparing food, cleaning) and your wife should be extremely grateful for it. Many women would envy her.
If she falls asleep right after sex, she may anyway be very tired in the evening, though you help her that much with the chores. Studying also takes a lot of her energy. If she doesn’t do all those things, when she comes home, it doesn’t mean, that she still has that much force, her body is less strong, than yours. Even taking some vitamins, eating a balanced diet rich in all necessary nutrients, regular walks in the fresh air and the right daily regimen with enough sleep could give her a little more energy during the day and, of course, for sex after a busy day.
Letting your wife know, that you’re not totally satisfied with the relationship (but in a very-very tender manner) could make her change her attitude to sex or even fear to lose you, but I would not recommend to provoking such negative thoughts, as this is anyway stress, which actually nobody needs, although some people do so. This is unfair.
The best way to make a woman want sex is to show her, how good sex can be in practice. Are you sure, she experiences orgasm every time you have sex? Make it sure for her, that she will have it every time. In order to give her pleasure in sex, you should know, what she likes most. You can learn it experimentally or by asking her during sex or an intimate talk. Maybe you do something wrong in bed (sorry, I only suppose), and this could be the reason she doesn’t want sex often. Find it out and never do, what she doesn’t like.
As a woman I can say, that insisting on sex too much can only irritate. One should act more delicately. When men insist too much on sex, some women agree to do it, just in order not to conflict with the partner, without the proper mood, which is, by the way, extremely important for a woman. It can be, that she’s just not sure in herself (appearance, for example), then your task is to prove her you love her and that she’s beautiful by making compliments, for instance. If needed, give her some time before sex to “freshen herself up”, so that she’s sure in the way she looks. By the way, men should do this too, as for some women it’s impossible to have sex without it. If she prefers it in the darkness, let it be so. If she likes doing it in bed – don’t insist on other places. Make sex comfortable for her, and she will like sex more.
And don’t forget to find time only for you two, even only once a week – without children, work, study, domestic chores – a time, when you and she exist only for each other. Have a romantic dinner, visit unusual places, do crazy things – relax. When the woman doesn’t think about problems, when the woman is relaxed, she’s ready for sex.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
i think women want sex as much as men want…but they will hide their feelings
June 12th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
i am a very unhappily married father to be. My wife is so lazy she never washes her hair, hardly ever showers, never uses perfume, and wears the same clothes 2-3 times a week without washing them. we have a dead sexual relationship. i am totally unattracted to her, and we have only been married 16 months.
p.s.
there is a baby on the way.
any advice would be great
thanks
bigshow
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Jeff, this is sad. But before giving any recommendations there are some things unclear, namely, did your wife behave the way she does now before marriage? Such things sometimes happen to women, once they get married, especially if they dreamt about marriage and have finally got it. Another thing I’d like to know is how old the baby is.
Judging by the time you are together, the baby was born not a long time ago. Maybe your wife’s pregnancy and the childbirth made her turn the way, that she’s absolutely disinterested in how she looks (smells etc.)? There are lots of women, who suffer from postpartum depression. And if the behavior of your wife completely changes after she has born a child, this can be a symptom. And this condition should be treated. In this case she needs, first of all, your support and, maybe, professional psychological or even medical help.
Another thing, that could happen to your wife is she just has no time for herself because of the baby. But I can’t say, whether this is true, as I’ve no idea about your family life (who takes care of the child, who prepares food, who earns money etc.). But if this is the case, she needs your help in domestic chores, taking care of the child and so on. This would give her more time for herself.
Here’s another variant. If the life of your wife didn’t change that much after childbirth, she is, maybe, just disinterested. I think, she needs a stimulus to want to be beautiful. If you provide her with it – it is very likely to change her. Some men use such techniques, as making the partner stressed, so that she finally understands, that she may lose him (making feel jealous, for example). After such behavior of men women change their attitude to the husband and do their best to look beautiful and attractive to them. It’s up to the certain man whether to choose one of such techniques or not. Unfortunately, some women, once they get married, think, that their husbands will be forever near them and so to say “relax” (don’t care of their own appearance), while it’s better to strive for looking good always.
Jeff, tell me, please, did you tell your wife, that the way she looks doesn’t attract you? Does she know, that you’re not satisfied with her? Maybe she has no idea and just believes, you love her the way she is (“natural” and even with greasy hair) and there’s nothing that should be changed. Let her know in a very tender manner, that she needs to change, otherwise she risks your marriage. The main thing is that she should understand, that she does something wrong, something you don’t like (again, absolutely not roughly). The next step should be to motivate her to want to change (you should choose the way to do this on your own). Then you should show her the way to change and help her in doing it. And after it – only maintain the result.
I understand, that this sounds like an economics model and following it would be really hard, but this scheme could change your wife. And there’s nobody else, who could do this, but you. I wish you good luck.