You’ve probably noticed that people in the world are divided into two categories: the diligent simpletons and the self-centered people who “not everyone can understand.” The main difference is that kind-hearted weaklings who fall into the first category do not know how to defend their interests. Some even suspect that they are not supposed to.
Reliability is a non-constructive habit acquired in the teen age because it is during this period that you passionately want to join the party and achieve universal love. Those who are self-confident since childhood manage to cross this Rubicon without any consequences, others gradually shift personal priorities to the background. As a result, a normal, self-satisfied child turns out to be an adult who is convenient to society, always ready to help, substitute and support others, take into account, understand, follow the leader, and generally care about other people’s interests more than their own – this is called being a people pleaser.
Over time, step by step, in exchange for the need to be a pleasant person and a team player, “people pleasers” exhaust the ability to disappoint others, say “no”, stick to their principles, hurt someone’s feelings, go beyond the limits, and not worry about someone else’s opinion. If you do not stop in time, misplaced priorities can lead to nervous and physical exhaustion, a constant feeling of resentment or shame for your servility, disappointment in yourself, and loss of self-esteem.
These are the main signs that you are overpowered by reliability:
- You do something solely because you think that others want you to do it: for example, when someone is counting on you, and you naively assume that your help will make him/her happier.
- You take on more than you can handle, even though you know that coworkers and family members could do their best instead of sitting on your neck.
- You participate in activities that you don’t like.
- You deliberately set high goals.
- You keep silent about grievances and always want to avoid conflict at all costs.
- You suppress your emotions for the feelings of others.
Some people succeed in justifying reliability tactics by convincing themselves that it means being caring, kind, and compassionate. And while there is nothing wrong with these qualities, there is a huge difference between having them and letting them dictate who you are.
It is impossible to please everyone – this is the basic truth. It’s a doubtful pleasure to be comfortable for everyone. So what can prevent you from charity and how can you start to live your life to the fullest? Not sure where to start?
1. Practice mindfulness
Of course, this is something you cannot do without! In a world where constant noise and stress reign, you really need to find 10 minutes a day to regain the feeling of your own body and realize what is worthy of your time and energy and what can be put aside.
2. Keep a diary
Freely write down what you want and feel in order to establish your personal wants and needs.
3. Cultivate love to yourself and self-confidence
You also need to work on your relationship with yourself, and, as usual, you need to start with trust. Get in the habit of not waiting for anybody’s approval – first, stop consulting about trifles, like what to choose for lunch or what dress to wear to a party.
4. Get out of the habit of comparing your achievements with others
Because comparison steals your joy away. Appreciate what you have now.
5. Apologize less often
In fact, you are not doing anything wrong, quite the opposite. The more you believe in it, the more other people will respect you.
How to finally stop being a trouble-free person?
Finally, come up with a list of positive habits and achievements that will come into your life when you learn to say “no”. You will learn …
- to talk about what you really feel;
- to do things that are important and enjoyable to you;
- to be confident in your actions and choices;
- to think first of all about your happiness, desires and needs;
- to feel true compassion and love for yourself;
- to never be shy of your characteristics, quirks and shortcomings;
- to really reveal your better self in a relationship;
- to stand up for what you believe in;
- to participate in matters and events that are significant to you.
The airplane rule
It is similar to safety rules on an airplane – put on your own mask first and then save others. Do you want to finally understand who you really are? You tried hard enough not to be yourself, to be someone who feels comfortable – it’s time to learn to sincerely express yourself in front of those you love, regardless of those who don’t like the new format of your personality. Of course, not everyone can understand this, but you should not worry.
