We tend to think that you should always blame two for a quarrel. Psychologists believe that there are much more initiators: myths destroying the couple’s relationship. Here are the 10 most dangerous of them.
40% of couples break up because of the partners’ inability to discuss important issues and make joint decisions
Often, we do not even notice the fact that our relations are under constant pressure from the outside. Yet they are constantly exposed to a variety of psychological influences – the society’s stereotypes, advising relatives, friends’ experience.
1. A couple means “we”
Love, unity, we… In fact, an effective relationship should consist of many “I”s. Do not forget about yourself, otherwise you might start accusing (“I give you so much and get nothing in return,” or the classic “I’ve wasted the best years of my life on you”). Lovers, each of whom is a unique individual with their own needs, help each other become better, which ultimately brings joy to both. So feel free to look for self-expression and spend time on your hobbies.
2. Other people’s experience will help avoid mistakes
Parents only wish well, we believe, falling into the same trap again and quarrelling with our beloved, urged by our mother. What other stranger attitudes live in your head? How about this – “We should be happy”? Because of psychological theories and paternal instructions, our mind forms twisting routes to happiness, eventually leading to a crisis and rows in the family. Making decisions based on the experience of others makes it difficult to avoid the extremes and choose between sacrifice and selfishness. Therefore, starting a fight next time, think – is it your discontent that is breaking out? Maybe your mother’s or friend’s?
3. The secret of a strong relationship is having no fights
It is not important how often you fight – conflicts happen within any couple. Much more important is how you argue. Here are five rules of a constructive argument with your loved one:
Note the time
As a rule, each couple has a certain time when quarrels arise more often. It may be, for example, getting ready for work or shopping trips on Sundays. Pay attention to the time so that you control the situation better.
Use your right to suspend the dispute
sometimes it is necessary to freeze the arguments and return to the dialogue only after careful consideration of both positions.
Mind your gestures and postures during the dispute
The most annoying grimace, which only adds emotional heat, is eye-rolling. Closed postures and gestures of dominance also make you lose your temper. Try to copy the partner’s posture during an argument, it is easier to connect to your beloved and eventually come to a consensus.
Reduce the time of the argument to a minimum
Use the rule of “three minutes” – during this period you will find out all the reasons for misunderstanding. After that, you will only repeat mutual accusations, which will make tension stronger.
Watch for words
Use the pronoun “I” or “we” – this is constructive communication – and forget about the word “you”: it expresses aggression and resentment. That is why the phrase “I’m worried when you’re not at home late at night” sounds better than “you hanged out with friends all night again.”
4. “If I’m perfect, the relationship will be perfect”
You probably keep in mind an image of an ideal woman, lover, mistress, which begins with the words “I have to” and includes an endless list of demands to yourself. If you do not fit this image, disappointment comes, which destroys the relations in the couple. However, it is worth remembering that we, like all people, are imperfect. Allow yourself and your partner some weaknesses.
5. Family dinners are a useless tradition
The true meaning of sharing meals is respect to the time spent together. The tradition of common dinners symbolizes the couple’s togetherness. It is at the table that many disputes between the partners are solved, significant events happen and important secrets concerning the two of you are revealed. So perhaps our ancestors were not so wrong arranging meals together.
Tip: do not give up on this tradition. No time for dinner – arrange a breakfast or have a dinner together at the weekend. Let it be a Sunday brunch. If you have no time to cook, use delivery service.
6. Different life views will make the relationship brighter
How will you renovate the apartment? Is it better to go on holiday or to spend money on new equipment? How will you raise a child? The answers to these questions as a whole make up your ideology. The closer your views, the stronger the relationship is. In this issue, you should not rely on the experience of others: create value and rules yourselves. If you and your man will are not able to formulate a common life position, you will not survive as a couple, whereas shared values and principles will help to succeed.
7. A couple must share a budget
Do not rush to share all income. Each person should have a sum for personal needs, which he or she can handle freely. It makes more sense to divide earnings into three parts: yours, mine and ours. So you will have more financial freedom and, as a consequence, the opportunity to pamper each other with gifts.
The most effective way to resolve financial conflicts is to form a common budget and stop controlling the spouse’s expenditures.
8. Difficult conversations destroy relationships
Do not avoid problematic issues, treat them carefully. Follow the three tips:
- Show interest to the partner’s opinion. Simply listen.
- Explain your point of view and tell him what you feel.
- Work out the third point of view together.
Remember that it is your partner, so the conversation is not the last one. Care and support will help you come to a mutually beneficial decision.
9. Sex is not the most important thing
It has been proved that spouses have 52 times less sex in the second year of marriage! In the third year, this figure gets 12 times less, and the quality of sex gets worse. Is it because people in long-term relationships begin to love each other less? Hardly. The problem may be excessive expectations from the partner (“he should arouse me”, “we need to have a rest from each other”), too much work, detachment because of quarrels and misunderstandings. The decision is always the same: do not forget that you make love for pleasure.
If sex is now comfortable for the woman, there is no need to change anything. If she is not satisfied, it is possible to vary the relationship without the extremes like intimate toys. Sometimes it is enough for the woman to get a new haircut, or choose different bed linen to receive new emotions from intimacy. If you feel that you start getting used to your partner, accept this fact, even if it seems wrong to you. Denying, you just cannot control your relationship.
10. Everyone expresses feelings the same
Do not forget that people express love in different ways. Psychologists single out five “love languages ” – ways of expressing feelings: words of admiration, gifts, helping with daily chores, quality time or physical contact.
Try to understand or ask, which one is a priority for your partner: someone, for example, wants to spend time with the loved one the way he likes (quality time), while others feel loved only when they are often embraced (physical contact). Clarifying this point, you will avoid numerous reproaches.