When you try to become better, to change your life, and to achieve something new, be sure there are ill-wishers. But the worst thing is that they can be found among the nearest people – relatives, friends, or colleagues. How do you know that someone is manipulating and pulling you back? And should you remove such a person from your life?
Such people – let’s call them the people poisoning your life – may slow down your progress for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they think that you will not stay in their lives for a long time, if you succeed. Perhaps they feel that their shortcomings will be visible against your background.
But the root causes are much less important than their direct impact on you. Their anger, resentment, cruelty, and manipulation undermine your strength. At any time, you may find yourself in the company of people embittering your life (friends, relatives and colleagues), who may consciously or unconsciously interfere with your happiness and personal growth. To feel good and achieve success and happiness, it is important to identify these people in your environment and learn to control the emotions they cause in you.
So let’s discuss how to recognize the people embittering your life and how to navigate the complex process of getting rid of them. It depends on your future.
How do you know that a person is poisoning your life?
Now let’s talk about the ill-wishers who are spoiling and controlling your life. We are going to enlist a few classic signs of the people poisoning your life.
They are trying to control you. It may sound strange, but the people who cannot control their own life often seek to control yours. Their poisonous influence is manifested in the attempts to control others both openly and secretly, manipulating them in a very accurate way.
They do not respect your personal boundaries. If you constantly tell someone not to behave with you in a certain way, and this behavior still continues, this person is most likely to be poisoning your life. Respecting other people’s boundaries is natural for educated adults. And the people embittering your life may benefit by violating these boundaries.
They take but do not give anything. The ability to give and take is a sign of true friendship. Sometimes you need a helping hand, sometimes your friend does, but you take and give equally. The situation is different, however, with the people who are embittering your life – they will take from you everything they can and as long as you can bear it.
They are always right. They always find a way to stay right even when they are wrong. It is extremely rare that they admit spoiling something or saying something wrong and inappropriate.
They are insincere. It is not about the tendency to exaggerate, save their face or resort to a little white lie. We are talking about a clear and constantly repeated fraudulent behavior.
They like the role of a victim. Such people poison your life and enjoy playing the role of a victim, persecuted by the rest of the world. They are looking for a reason to be offended, insulted, or ignored, but in fact, they do not feel anything of the kind. They love to make excuses, give seemingly reasonable explanations or completely deny their guilt for what has happened.
They do not take the responsibility. Partly, the victim’s behavior comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. They put the blame for everything on the general scheme of things and on life. Such attitude illustrates the way poisoners of life behave.
Doesn’t it remind you of anyone? The people embittering your life may stay unnoticed for years until you stop to think about your experience of communicating with them.
Why is it important to get rid of the people embittering your life?
The main thing is whether you want to continue the relationship with the people, actively interfering with the process of making your life better.
The answer is usually no. Perhaps you will find it difficult to admit, but this feeling will disappear as soon as you realize the impact such people have on you.
Under the influence of a person, poisoning your life, you may want to reconsider an important decision. You may feel sad, uncomfortable, or seriously ashamed of your progress. You can even take the best qualities of those poisoning your life, and then you may start to envy other people’s happiness. The people embittering your life have a common feature: they want you to be like them.
Most often, we just do not realize that someone’s behavior is poisoning our life. If you have a boss, you understand how it works: his/her behavior makes you irritable and angry, but you use the same approach to communicate with your subordinates, then your employees begin to quarrel with each other more and more often and then transfer this irritation on their families and friends. And before you realize it, the poison will already be spread.
How to get rid of the people who are really poisoning your life
Accept the fact that it may take a long time to separate with them. Cleansing of toxic substances is not always an easy thing to do. If someone has never respected your personal boundaries, he/she will not start respecting them all of a sudden. This person can come back even after you tell him/her to get out of your life. You may have to say it a few times before this person finally leaves.
Do not think that you have to explain something. It is you who mostly needs such explanations. Tell what you feel, but do not make it the subject of a discussion. You can do it even easier: tell the person gently and quietly that you no longer want to see him/her in your life.
Speak in a public place. The people who are poisoning your life may be fussy or even cruel. Speaking in public can greatly reduce the probability of a conflict. And if anything goes wrong, you can get up and leave.
Block these people in your social networks. You need to indicate your new borders and stick to them.
Do not argue, just set the new boundaries. It may seem tempting to start a dispute or a conflict with a person poisoning your life, but that’s exactly what he/she wants you to do. If this person tries to come back, avoid any discussion. You do not try to convince the person to leave you alone. This is not a negotiation.
Consider the ability to keep a distance instead of a complete breakup. Do you remember we were talking about a person who can hardly poison your life, but nevertheless is unpleasant to you? Such people do not need to be completely removed from your life. You just need to keep some distance, separating the time for communicating with them from other personal affairs.
It is not always necessary to do everything that has been mentioned above. It depends on the situation. Sometimes it is enough to simply make a decision and to increase the distance, especially if we talk about friends and colleagues. To do this, you do not need a serious conversation. Remember that you do not have to explain anything to anyone. You can just disappear from a person’s life slowly and imperceptibly in order not to feel his/her toxic effect any more. The relationship with such people is like fire: you stop adding wood, and it goes out by itself.
But there is one scenario that implies acting otherwise. This is the relationship with your relatives.
What if a person poisoning your life is your family member?
There are no simple tips and standard answers that everyone will find suitable.
Separating with a relative who is embittering your life may be the most important step. The family has a direct impact on your thoughts, behavior, and choices. But relatives are not your masters simply because of the blood ties. Kinship is not a license for something that can ruin your life. Remember that.
That is why the increase in the distance between you and the person poisoning your life is the best solution, be it physical or emotional distance.
With relatives, you will have to make some concessions. You can get distracted emotionally, but you should be aware that you will still have to interact with the person (for example, at a holiday dinner or when taking care of the parents). To keep your distance, you have to learn to separate practical activity from the emotional component – you will agree to take part in this person’s life, when it is really necessary, but you will not let him/her affect you negatively.
With family members, it is especially important to make reasonable decisions. So ask yourself: what kind of a feedback you want to get from your family members? How will family holidays take place? Will you be able to avoid any contact with the relatives poisoning your life? You can answer these questions and decide that you need to terminate the relationship. Or you can adjust your behavior according to the situation. The main thing is to find the time to think about what is happening and the possible consequences of a wrong decision.
It is not easy to remove a family member from your life. But it may be the most important liberating decision you have ever made.
What is most important in getting rid of the people poisoning your life? This is the message to yourself. You say to yourself: “I am worthy.” You put your personal happiness above other people’s problems. And when you realize how some people can destroy your sense of dignity, it will get harder for them to get into your life again.