If I had to name the most nerve-wracking moment in dating, it would have to be waiting for someone you’re into to text you back.
And I think a lot of women out there would agree with me.
In fact, a huge amount of the women who come to me for advice are usually worried about that very thing.
There’s a guy they like – and they’re not totally sure how he feels about them – and for one reason or another, he’s not messaging her back.
And that drives women insane.
I get it – I understand why that sends intense anxiety shooting through you – because you don’t know WHY he’s not texting you back…
And because you don’t know the reason why, your brain automatically inserts the worst possible reason you can think of.
For some women, the worst possible reason is that he’s flat out not interested in her and he’s just playing her.
For other women, the worst possible reason is that he’s with another girl.
For other women, the worst possible reason is that he’s secretly an undercover Russian spy who’s ignoring her message because he’s stealing top secret nuclear codes from the US.
You get the idea.
That’s why I wanted to write this article. I want to give you the REAL reasons that a guy won’t text you back – so that instead of instantly thinking of the worst possible reason he didn’t get back to you, you can truly know why he didn’t – and know exactly what to do about it.
Ready? Let’s break it down.
First off, let’s talk about what I actually mean by “he didn’t text back”.
I DON’T mean that you messaged him while he was at work and he hasn’t responded in 2 hours.
I DON’T mean that you messaged him at 1am on a weeknight and he didn’t respond.
I DON’T mean that he usually responds pretty quickly, but he hasn’t responded in a few hours and you’re worried.
What I mean by a guy “not texting back” is that he repeatedly and habitually doesn’t message you back when you reach out to him – and only texts you sporadically.
I mean that a guy will ignore your messages and ignore most of what you say to him, and only engage on his terms.
Or – if you two were messaging intensely for a while, and then he suddenly stopped texting you back.
If a guy repeatedly takes hours or days to respond, that what I mean by “not texting you back”.
And if he’s doing that, there’s really only a couple reasons.
A guy is going to respond IF texting with you feels light, fun, and enjoyable.
Basically, he’s going to respond if it feels GOOD for him to respond.
Makes sense, right?
So that begs the question – how do you make it feel fun for him to text you back?
The answer is this – you have to be positive! You have to be in a positive mood when you message him, and you have to really not care whether he responds or not.
When you’re in a positive mood, it’s going to shine through in your message and he’s going to be able to feel it. And when he knows you don’t NEED him to respond in order to feel “OK”, it’s going to make him feel
GOOD about messaging you back.
On the other hand, if you’re in a negative mood when you text him, and you know that you “need” him to respond or you’re not going to feel OK – well, he’s going to be able to feel that too.
And that vibe is going to turn him off and make him not want to respond.
Think about it this way – have you ever had a friend who, whenever they messaged you, it made you cringe and kind of go “ugh” inside?
The kind of friend that always seems to be in a bad mood… who’s always negative and complaining about something?
Basically – the kind of friend that you know you HAVE to respond to them… but you don’t really want to?
That’s what I mean by being in a negative mood – and having that come through the message. If you’ve ever felt an inward “ugh” when someone messages you, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
Because let me tell you – if a guy sees a message from you and feels an “ugh” feeling inside himself… it doesn’t bode well for your chances together. And it DEFINITELY doesn’t bode well for him texting you back.
So the first and most important step to getting him to respond is this: you’ve got to make sure you’re in a good and positive mood when you send him a message.
If you can do that, and make sure that even if he doesn’t get back to you you’re still going to be OK – it’s going to feel good for him to text with you, and he’s going to WANT to respond.
That’s the first and most important piece. However, if you want the best chance of him texting back every time, there’s one very important rule to follow:
Guys like texts that have a purpose and push the action forward.
This is especially true when you’re first starting to see a guy. When everything is new, guys want to get to the point with texting.
So what do I mean by “get to the point”?
Let me give you some examples of messages that guys DON’T like to respond to. Guys don’t like to respond to texts that just say “heyyyyyy”.
Or, “what’s up thinking about you…”
Or, “im bored.”
Most guys don’t really know how to respond to those messages – and they don’t really WANT to respond to them.
On the other hand, guys LOVE getting messages that have a specific point and push the action forward, like:
“Hey, my friend and I are going to [x] bar at 9pm tonight, do you want to come with us?”
Or, “I’m going to be at the park at 2pm today, do you want to hang out?”
Guys love texts that make a specific plan, and most importantly, don’t require them to respond in order for that plan to happen.
A guy will know that if you’re going to the bar with your friend – he doesn’t NEED to be there to make your night. And that, paradoxically, makes him more likely to get back to you – because he knows that whether or not he does, you’re going to be OK.
When there’s no burden on him to respond, it makes him want to text you back way more. And that makes him way more likely to text you back each time.
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