Some men put so much pressure on you in a relationship that your inner voice screams, “Step aside!” Others behave in such a way that you start wondering if he cares about you at all. How can you find balance and set personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries mean that we do not allow something in relation to ourselves. Took your toothbrush? Execute him! Raised his voice in public? Execute him! However, for some people, even beating your wife is a sign of love.
Each woman herself determines what is acceptable and permissible for her in a relationship. Our wall is higher and stronger for strangers, while it is usually thinner and lower for close people. Therefore, personal boundaries in a relationship between a man and a woman are often blurred. The partner becomes our soulmate and the significant other.
What personal boundaries can look like
It is possible to attack someone’s personal space on an emotional level – mess up the brain, manipulate, impose, manage. The physical level suggests all the daily grind including scandals and domestic violence. Most often it happens like this: people start dating and trying each other out. At this stage, the boundaries are set. He thinks there are situations where he can put pressure on her and knows there are situations when it is dangerous to do so.
You are like a small state. If you decided to unite with another country, clearly set the laws beforehand. Otherwise, it will bring chaos, mess and you’ll need a bunch of psychologists to help you out.
Accepting or allowing – you decide
Each girl has a list of things (sometimes even eccentric ones), which a man can hardly ever guess. However, she eagerly confides in her female friends that she doesn’t like it when her husband breathes in her ear, she is annoyed when he calls her this or that way, or is ready to kill when he asks about her mood.
However, complaining and enduring is the worst way out. First of all, you will get the answer like: “I wish I had problems like yours.” In addition, you will accumulate nervousness and stress. Moreover, if you allow yourself to be physically affected, there’s nothing to say at all. You have given green light yourself.
If a woman has adopted a policy of all-permissiveness, there are quite logical reasons for this.
Parents did not respect her borders. She does not understand how it is when her wishes are taken into account. Perhaps, as a child, she was told that having her own point of view meant a lack of love, a violation of unity, partnership, and trust. Childhood feelings are transferred to the adult life. It turns out that one suppresses the other in a couple, making him or her sacrifice personal principles and desires. However, love is not a sacrifice, it is an alliance.
Ready for anything
Some women will do everything for the man they like to be near. They will tolerate and entice, despite it being uncomfortable, scary, and sometimes even embarrassing. The man feels it and makes use of the “victim”.
The problem is that a woman does not initiate a dialogue, never says what she likes and what is unacceptable in advance. The rose and candy stage, as well as a civil marriage, is intended for people to learn to understand each other and respect each other’s personal space.
Going with the flow
Establishing personal boundaries means taking responsibility for your life, understanding and accepting yourself as a personality and a woman, in order not to become a martyr who is constantly saying “I gave him my all, and he…”
Harmonious relationships do not imply that you have to use the same towel and brush, know everything about each other and take liberties. A couple’s relationship is based on respect. Family, children, and everyday life are wonderful things. However, this is one side of a woman. Self-realization, hobbies, friends, interests is another one, which is no less important.
The consequences of personal boundaries violation
If a woman is constantly pushed, she will get constant stress, and lose control of her life. She becomes a victim, gets irritable, and eventually loses her female energy. Many are afraid that the man will leave, and yield more and more. Until there are no borders left…
It damages self-esteem, causes manipulations, and the relationship crumbles brick by brick. Most often it is the woman herself who allows the man to treat her badly. And if her boyfriend happens to be a broke-ass or a gigolo, he will not stop until he destroys her personality completely.
Where is the borderline?
I’ll tell you a secret – there isn’t any. Everyone determines the degree of involvement themselves. However, it is better to set the borders immediately, so that a rejection is not perceived as a conflict. Starting a personal war with a man is dangerous. The woman becomes a rival. Competitor. She will lose in the end because she has a different task – to carry femininity. However, this does not mean that you have to concede! A real woman knows how to refuse with a smile. Remember that a man is not the center of your universe. He will treat you the same way you treat yourself. It’s not about behaving as a queen. Respect yourself, spread femininity and wisdom. Fortunately, there are special trainings and courses for this nowadays.
How to set personal boundaries?
Take a notebook and list all the points clearly – what is acceptable and what is not, what “punishment” awaits the one who violates these points. Do not forget to distinguish between physical boundaries (for example, he eats in bed) and emotional ones (raises his voice at you when tired). They are equally important.
Know your limits and explain them to the man in a feminine way – gently, softly, and adequately.
Conduct a dialogue
The basis of healthy relationships is the ability to speak with your partner without pretense, drama and manipulations. Perhaps a man does not even suspect that his partner is uncomfortable with trifling matters or, on the contrary, wants more attention. Men and women see their personal boundaries in different ways: the former are dominated by physical ones, and the latter – by emotional ones. If he is an “insensitive jerk”, there must be a reason. And the reason may be you.
Forget the word “no”
It’s complicated, no doubt. Try talking to the man without denial at least a couple of days. Substitute “no” for “let’s try this way”, “I would like…”, “I would be happy if…” You will see how his attitude towards you will improve with time.
If he does not hear you at all, you’ve set a fox to keep the geese, sorry for the comparison. You will have to work hard on yourself. Perhaps you will even want to leave. Or set personal boundaries again, only with another partner. However, if he really is a worthy man, everything will come its way.
Finally, you have to respect yourself, your man, and your relationship. Unity in a couple is not the blurring of boundaries. This is the ability to develop together, being self-sufficient personalities. We exist separately from each other and manage our lives ourselves. It depends only on us whether this life will be a happy one!