We people are gregarious, and we can’t very well get away from the fact that we have to get together and be able to get by with quite a lot of understanding. Yet how can we really do it when there is absolutely no chance for us to look into another person’s heart and learn what they need and appreciate before we make moves. So we have to fall back on our feeble attempts to intuit others’ moods, understand their situations and guess at their innermost wishes. It is bad enough with our co-workers and friends, but when there’s a hint of romance in the air, it becomes increasingly more problematic.
Consequently, in romantic and sexual relationships secrets become almost inescapable; too strong is the desire to hide what we fear may be frowned upon – or to make use of secrets in order to engage in some careful manipulating. If truth is to be told, there’s no getting around the fact that two people in love each has secrets they are concealing. They will hardly admit it, but there it is. Since knowing these secrets can promote understanding, it’s often useful to take a peek inside hearts – in this case, male hearts.
Now if you are sure you really want to open the door to your husband (or would-be husband)’s little lies and pretentions, see if you can bear it – and probably get to understand his feelings and attitudes a little better than before.
There is always a weaker feeling of security
Most people are inclined to take it for granted that in the United States (and some other places) it is a habitual practice to make women feel touchy about their appearance so they go and buy beauty products to allay their insecurity. With men the situation is vastly different – it is believed that from the start they are stimulated to ignore their emotions, put them on the shelf together with the way they look. But no matter how well they are taught this: as you notice your husband brush away the small matters of how he acts or looks, bear in mind that it may be but a habit, and deep inside his defenses he may well be just as touchy as your female friends. Of course, the world is changing, and now men don’t have to be all rough stuff and no emotions – just as women don’t have to be all fluff and mother-care. But the transition like this takes time, and meanwhile, you can freely suspect your husband in caring secretly about his looks and the way other people see him.
There may be other women he thinks about
While it’s so easy to accept a romantic outlook as the ultimate truth, in life, we are all only human, and that means blemished. We are not perfect in general, and that also makes us imperfect spouses and partners, too. Of course, we won’t ever stop to expect loyalty and faithfulness, but it’s a bit out of joint to keep believing that there’s no woman around so attractive and desirable that your husband would be likely to sit up and take notice. He is almost sure to have eyed somebody with sexual ideas thronging in his mind, but so far as he leaves it in his head and doesn’t act on it, it would be ridiculous to put it against him – on the contrary, if he manages to keep it in and never let on, it goes to show he understands well what fidelity is. The wrong kind of thinking spoiled many a relationship, and it’s time we realized that picking at people for what they think should not be done.
There are things in his past you don’t know about
You can always found your relationship on the grounds of complete trust which will allow you and your partner to broach and discuss all the incidents from your past lives freely, but this doesn’t work for all people. Living around are very many people who are not ready to open up about their past for a number of reasons; some of them merely don’t feel like it. Your husband may be one of these. They are perfectly within their right not to want it, and a sound and long-term relationship doesn’t mean they have to change their minds about it. Of course, it may look as if they have something awful to hide, and this feeling may appear pretty frustrating; but one should realize this reticence doesn’t necessarily imply something negative. It’s only that they are such type of people. If you find it unbearable and undermining your trust, well, you two maybe not as compatible as you thought you were. That’s the difference at work, and you’ve got to lump it or go searching for a better level of compatibility.
Your shortcomings may remain buried in his heart
Mostly we are bound to assume that when men get together they immediately start discussing their women concentrating especially on their failings and flaws. On the other hand, it’s not all men who are fond of doing that, and the one who’s with you may cut quite a different figure. Especially if he is the sort of a family man we all want for a spouse. So chances are none of his friends know that you used to have a sixth finger or you have a birthmark in a funny spot. There are boundaries after all and many people recognize and respect them, wives or no wives. Why not ask your husband about how far he goes and tell him if his attitude is not quite what you would have liked?
Some flirting must/might be going on when you’re not around
This is a matter for debate in which you had better step carefully. First of all, flirting is something different people have different notions about. If you haven’t talked it over before, you may not know what your man regards as flirting and what remains on the level of joking and being pleasant to people. Then, with many flirting is a kind of social interaction that doesn’t have to mean having lewd ramifications in one’s mind. Once you have cleared those points and come to know each other’s ideas about it, you know where you stand with this guy. Actually, some flirting is going on ceaselessly, people smiling at each other and handing out small compliments. It’s just spreading out nice feelings and good mood, so if you trust your man in your heart, his flirting may be just his good manners.
There are times he likes to be alone
Another long-living example of popular stereotypical thinking about the man-woman relationship says that women resent it when their men want to have some time alone. The subject of everyone wanting to have a little time for themselves has long been thrashed out and needs no further expounding: every man and woman needs some personal time to recharge, it’s a healthy sign which is in no way detrimental to any relationship however close. And it’s not as if us women didn’t need some time off the family – we do, and if there is anybody who chooses to be offended because of that, it probably means it’s only an excuse for umbrage and not the real reason.
It’s nice to believe they are more dependent, but they aren’t
It’s a nice romantic notion that once we’re away for any significant time, our other important person would be feeling lost and devastated, there are many who like to indulge in this way of thinking. Come to think of it, this attitude shows an unnatural dependence, and while a modicum of missing you is perfectly in place, devastation definitely isn’t. If your partner turns out to be this kind of person, you ought to think twice about getting married to him! As an alternative, he must have been accustomed to seeing about his needs before he met you, so he must be in possession of some useful faculties in this line. At least if he isn’t of those opulent ones who grew up never having to take care of themselves. Of course, everyone is not like everybody else, but a high degree of dependence doesn’t sound very enticing. It cannot be much fun to live with a man who can’t hold out when left alone for a while.
They are fond of some nice cuddling
Once again, when we work our way past stereotypical thinking, we may discover that men are not above cuddling, not at all. When they are put down to it in earnest, you will find they are as fond of it as women are. Whereas they may have grown to shun things that are considered to be feminine and overly emotional, when they are placed in a position where it feels really good, they will be able to throw away misconceptions and accept the sweet sensation. You can rely on that – with the stipulation that men may still dislike cuddling being the subject of a conversation around them. Meaning that if you spill it to your female friends and he gets to know about it, you may find he has something to tell you on the subject.
It can be he doesn’t put his full trust in you
Thinking back you remember the times when people let you down so badly that you lost trust in them and cut off the relationships; so was with your husband. He, too, felt his trust betrayed many a time and he isn’t in a great hurry to make the same mistake again. Well, it’s not quite right, naturally, and it could be a good thing if you looked to see if his trust weren’t a little frayed at the edges. In this case, it’s worth your while to talk it through with him at the next opportunity and bring such issues out in the open. Even if you had done it before your marriage, the situation is a bit different and may require some extra clearance. And, by the way, listen to his friends speaking. How do they see women? If they regard them as creatures from hell, this will rub off on him some day – or it already has.
You’d better not leave your phone unattended
We usually go distributing traits to genders, and snooping is looked upon as a feminine habit mostly. Still, you don’t want to rely on it completely, and the man you are married to can turn out to be great at snooping, so watch out! All these gadgets are so convenient that they made checking up on you quite a convenient procedure as well, and fairly tempting it is, too. You cannot be dead sure he is not snooping regularly, and that’s gross. Checking up on you with the help of devices hasn’t made it a less unsavory procedure than, say, questioning your friends or tailing you to see what you could be up to. It’s a rude invasion, he doesn’t respect your privacy, and your relationship lacks trust badly. Think whether you can – or won’t – accept this and what way will be better for you.
They believe themselves to be smarter
One of those beliefs that are either going or had better be going soon, this domination-of-man attitude can still be encountered, indicating a sort of person you will want to avoid as a husband. To begin with, the word “smart” is an easy one to bandy, since it can be impregnated with practically any meaning. To proceed, for a man who tells you he loves you is not quite right to be thinking at the same time he is on a higher level. You wouldn’t feel good to socialize with any kind of people, whatever they may be, who hold themselves above you. They will be expecting complete submission because it is like this they achieve a “higher status.” Why should you accede to this?
Your husband doesn’t really want you to make more money than he does
This is another issue of masculinity vs. femininity wherein a man must prove his worth by being the breadwinner in the family. This concept is becoming archaic fast for the simple reason of the man eager to put his gender above that of the woman in terms of earning money. Nowadays it’s not a good idea to play games like “I’m a man and you’re a woman” in terms of earnings. It may smack of insecurity that he can’t live down. Sometimes men will have to grow up to the notion that a woman may earn more than they do. Let’s have it agreed once and for all: women can draw the same salary as men, and men have to stand up and accept it. Let’s move on to true equality, without men claiming to be superior in all spheres.
He will not reveal how much he earns
Nowadays it’s easy to picture women who find this idea utterly risible for the simple reason of their being the main financial supporter of the family – which makes the exact amount of the husband’s income rather immaterial. This point can be of no great interest to you; anyway, if your husband doesn’t let you in on his bank statements, clearly preferring to keep them to himself, you can be sure you can’t guess his income figure with any accuracy. Money is the reason behind many marriages and relationships falling down in ruins, and that’s a shame. We all know that money is an important feature in our lives, but love is another, so if you’re all for a good relationship, maybe money won’t emerge as a debatable issue?
There may be women unknown to you he is friendly with
Probably you know some of the women your husband had been seeing before you tied the knot, yet, if you get down to it in earnest, you may find that there are some you never heard about. It is not necessarily dangerous to your relationship: he couldn’t have recounted all the women he used to know for the mere sake of making the list complete. By the way, the same goes for his male friends, too, nobody’s actually going to keep lists of people they met. There are many people you remember when you see them. People of the sociable kind make so many acquaintances that they can hardly keep tabs on them all. In addition, there are many jobs that bring people in constant touch with others. When there emerges a girl he said he forgot to mention he knew her, no need to get suspicious in the absence of other, more sinister signs.
Does he like your parents? What if he doesn’t?
It can become a big issue if your husband doesn’t care for your parents, and unfortunately, nothing much can be done about it. If he doesn’t get blown up over it and behaves in their presence without hiding behind you all the time so you feel like a professional interpreter, why not let sleeping husbands lie? Situations, where the husband uses his resentment and his clashes with in-laws to manipulate his wife and make her unhappy, would be much harder to bear. You have your share of troubles with it, but there it is. Maybe you also suffer from having to belong with two families on vacations and holidays, and it can be real rough sailing for you at times, but they are your families, so probably it’s not the end of the world after all.