A crisis is a tipping point in any relationship. Critical moments
don’t just happen. You need a “traumatic” factor. We have counted five. Although you might add more factors. Now, what crises often lead to breakups or divorces?
Renovation is always a disaster, even without regard to family life. Your things are in the boxes, the light is off, the water does not flow and the wallpaper is hanging in the air. You feel miserable, rootless, and lost. This makes you hate the whole world.
The two-person repair is compounded by differences in taste and a discrepancy in goals. You cannot just design a bedroom in pastel tones if your man prefers passionate red colors. The question of whether to put a TV in the bedroom has “ruined” millions of families. Furthermore, if your husband decides to make a special corner in the living room for his computer, it is like a declaration of war.
Well, because the things are in the boxes, the lights are not on, the water is not flowing, the wallpaper is hanging in the air, and then there is a riot in the kitchen! The whole world that you hate right now is embodied in one person — a disgusting, unshaven and dissatisfied husband’s face!
As a matter of fact, if the renovation is complete, and none of you are immured in a concrete wall or rolled up under the parquet, exhale. Everything is fine now. Nothing worse will happen in your life. You just need to live through and try to be as humble and patient as possible.
Moving within the same city (and even with the improved living conditions) is not considered here. This is a light version of renovation.
The other thing is emigration or at least moving to another city. Especially when one of you is called to work there and the other is going as a “family member”.
Your social statuses, which until now have been more or less equal, are changing too quickly. In this novel, there is only one main character now, and the second is “the main character’s girl” or “the main heroine’s husband”. This minor character can do her/his best to pretend that “everything is OK”, but the loss of status will still worry her/him.
It will be good if she/he quickly finds a new job and a new social circle, but what if he/she fails? Then the central character will be declared the culprit of all failures: it is “for his sake” you have given up your career, has lost contact with your family and relatives, has been left without friends and in isolation… So, how do you go on living with the person who “ruined your whole life”?
Abrupt career progress
However, it is possible to perceive social stratification in a single-family even without going far.
Many of us are brought up in the spirit of competition. Boys are trying to reach the level of “the son of the mother’s friend” all their lives. As for girls, they strive for catching up with “the best girl in the class”.
Accidentally finding themselves in a couple, the boy and the girl (including the son of the mother’s friend and the best girl) continue to prove something to each other. As long as they have approximately the same success, the family is full of peace and idyllism: everyone is proud not only of himself/herself, but also of his/her spouse. Then bam! — and one of them suddenly turns out to be the boss or finds a job with a salary five times higher than before.
That is all! Now one of them is a loser, and the other one is a winner. The behavior changes accordingly if both or at least one of them is psychologically immature. There appear words like: “What the hell! I am working and earning money for the family, and you have not even cooked dinner!”
It is not family feud anymore; it is a class enmity that will eventually lead to a revolution. After the revolution, there will be either self-determination up to separation, or the establishment of dictatorship, or (if you are lucky) “restoration” of the relationship.
There were two of you, but now there are three. Or there were three and now there are four. And so on. Every child is a new crisis.
In fact, this is also a coup d’état, or the incorporation of new territories into the state.
It is necessary to reconsider laws and redistribute the power and budget.
In 99% of cases, the situation is complicated by the fact that the wife temporarily stops working and earning money, and the husband suddenly goes overtaking her. That is, the crisis connected with the birth of the children almost always coincides with the crisis of “career growth”. The man feels successful and social (besides, he is the sole breadwinner and earner), and his wife suddenly is “the brood-hen”.
With such an outdated attitude, the family will not last long. Who needs such a husband/father?!
Not everyone is ready to sit at a sick person’s bedside, much less to nurse their spouse for a long time. Many people give up because that is against all plans.
A lot of people follow the “crocked horses are shot” principle. That is, people who have been in a coma for too long, or have just been severely mauled, are abandoned. Men dump women more often (at least at the hospital stage).
What is to be done?
Quite a number of people break down on these passes. Statistically, it is the norm. One should be aware of the risks and, if possible, supported and insured at the most difficult moments of the way. Be patient and keep in mind that all things are temporary and some things like repairs just need to be gone through. If something is “broken”, it is better to “fix” it without amateur performance. Find a good therapist, otherwise the relationship will be flawed forever!